I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
