fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
