he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize