I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
