I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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