I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
