first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Holy sore nipples Batman
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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