she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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