found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
