My hand turned me down
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
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