Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
