my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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