Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
