I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
