i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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