ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
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