i love accidental penises.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
