dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
