I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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