That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
