Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
