Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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