Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
