You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Randomize
