Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
