I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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