I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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