do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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