I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize