We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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