I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Mom said you looked used
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize