My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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