i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
