i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
