This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
