he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
It's official drugs can't kill me
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
