What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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