im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
