If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
