my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
