remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Of course I have a pirate flag
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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