I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize