I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
