I met the friendliest cop last night
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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