This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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