Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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