I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
