Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
