Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
