Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
We have started to decorate penises.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize
