tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
