Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
