I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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