it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Enjoy the penises
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
