Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
