My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
