Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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