I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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