My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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