my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
