There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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